tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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