Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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