this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
