Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
