I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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