I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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