Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
