my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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