You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
