I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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