Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
