I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
