I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Couch. On fire.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
