I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
