I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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