I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
