I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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