: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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