Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I pour the whiskey from now on
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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