3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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