how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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