Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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