I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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