i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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