There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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