I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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