I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
