Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
