Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
