I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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