I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
