I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
