so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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