My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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