just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
