O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my shit smells like andre
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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