I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
