She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i love accidental penises.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
