Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
