New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
