I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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