My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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