I met the friendliest cop last night
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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