Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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