if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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