Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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