I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
