I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
