That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
