I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
