he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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